


Broken Cycles

by priceless_tearsx



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: M/M, akigetsu, i love akigetsu and im not sorry, idk wtf im doing, this is my first fic on AO3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:47:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27811741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/priceless_tearsx/pseuds/priceless_tearsx
Summary: “Let me go.”“I could never let you go, Ugetsu.”
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Murata Ugetsu
Comments: 10
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

He had tried everything to get Akihiko to leave, yet Akihiko Kajii was as stubborn as a bull. He had pushed the man away as far as humanly possible, slept with every other man that had a pretty face, and became the worse man he could possibly be, but it was futile. His efforts only failed one after the other. 

The inconvenience here was that Ugetsu loved Akihiko with everything in him, but there was something else he loved even more. Music. When he would pick up his violin, it wasn’t just the expression for himself, but it truly felt as when his bow swept across the strings it encompassed the man’s very spirit. All his pain, suffering, and loneliness would seep into the notes themselves as if the violin was singing out for him and him alone. The pain that was so great it remained repressed within his own soul only to be freed by Akihiko’s touch. 

He hated that. 

Ugetsu exhaled a deep breath as the final chord struck from his bow and resonated in the large theatre lacking any audience. _That sounded terrible_ , he thought to himself, he couldn’t bring himself to shake the thoughts swarming through his brain it was interfering. 

“Spectacular as always, Ugetsu!” the conductor called out from behind his music stand, the clutter of the violinists packing away their sheet music and tucking away their violins for the night. They truly gave him too much credit. 

“Ah, don’t be so commending,” Murata replied with a breathy chuckle. “I have plenty I need to work on still before the concerto next week.” 

“You’re too humble,” the conductor sighed out with a light smile, waving the male off for him to retrieve his own belongings. Maybe he was. 

Though the brunette didn’t have that same mindset currently. He packed away his entire life into the small case and leaving the auditorium, inhaling a sharp breath as the chilled air bit at his pale skin upon exiting the larger building. The wind sure was bringing in the winter chill. The brunette merely tugged his coat closer to him as he made his way for his car, relieving a sigh when it provided the shelter away from the wind. He let his head fall back against the headrest of the car seat, not moving to start the car just yet. 

“Damn you, Aki..” he muttered out, the mere thought of the blonde seemed to disrupt his playing now. Yet, he wanted nothing more than to go home directly to the drummer. He checked the time on his phone, of course there were no notifications. The only person who he cared to talk too was already waiting for him. Not even a single message from that pretty faced viola player. It was growing late though, and he couldn’t avoid not returning to his own home which sometimes seemed as if it was an imprisonment. 

However, a light smile graced his features, this was a normal feeling. Things never changed and even with all the negative, it was home and what he continued to have with Akihiko, or not have, was comforting in a sense. He couldn’t bring himself to fully leave, he was too afraid to do such a thing. He was selfish. So was Akihiko. And thus, he put his key into the ignition and began the trip back to his house. 

The never ending cycle would never end. Would it?


	2. Chapter 2

The ride home was short, maybe a little too short. Though, Ugetsu couldn’t complain. He was exhausted and ready to crawl into bed and pass out at any given moment. A day full of socializing was enough to tire the brunette out for an entire week. He swiftly parked the car into the driveway, removed the keys from the ignition, took hold of his violin case, and exited the vehicle. Bracing the cold once more as he fiddled with his keys to the house, eager to enjoy the warmth inside the shelter. More particularly, the warmth that would envelop him in between the covers.. 

Shutting the door behind him and locking it, Murata kicked off his shoes and made his way down the steps into the open space of the studio housing, shaking his coat off and hanging it up before crossing towards the bed and seeing the loaf facing away already assumably asleep. He set the violin down, sitting on the edge of the bed with a relaxed sigh, relieved to be home once more, as he was rather content with not having university classes the following day. He was about to get up once more to change into more comfortable clothes to sleep as well when he heard the shuffling of blankets behind him and then the familiar feeling of two muscular arms wrapping around his waist. 

“Mhh.. Did you eat yet?” Akihiko asked through a groggy tone, his forehead burrowing into Ugetsu’s back. 

“Ah, you should already know the answer to that. Unlike you, I don’t have all the time in the world on my hands.” he responded in a light tone, though he often would head from university directly to rehearsals and return home later and unfortunately.. Ugetsu wasn’t exactly the most skilled when it came to the art of cooking. Honestly, without Akihiko there to cook, he’d probably live off of takeout. Akihiko often scolding him from time to time to learn how to cook, without catching something aflame. 

“Figured,” the blonde chuckled, inhaling deeply before shuffling away to sit up. He didn’t bother asking what the brunette wanted as he rose from the bed and made his way to the kitchenette, but Murata didn’t make any objections. Only rising shortly after to follow after, sitting at the island to simply watch. “Are you just going to watch while I do all the work?” he scoffed out in a teasing tone to which Ugetsu just snorted in return. 

“As if it’s that much work,” he retorted resting his chin in his palm as he propped his elbow onto the counter. “It’s the price you pay for being a freeloader.” he reminded the blonde with a light tone, a common phrase that the brunette threw around often. 

Akihiko simply rolled his eyes with a breathy chuckle, gathering some simple ingredients for a quick dinner. Unlike his partner, or whatever they were this week, he took early classes at the university and did wish to get some shuteye before morning. The lazy bastard that Ugetsu was never took a class earlier than Ten AM, and even that was rare. He quickly got to work, throwing some things together and fairly easily and within the silent 15 minutes or so, the food was done. Akihiko made two plates worth, grabbed a couple beers, and then sat across from the brunette and set the items down. He didn’t wait for Ugetsu to dig in, though. The two seemed to just sit in a somewhat content silence, nothing needed to be said, just the presence was enough. On the outside, it appeared to be a fairly domesticated home life between the two. And on the good days, it was. Other days, not so much. Other days, it was almost as if they had to walk on eggshells around one another and pick apart every word within their heads so not to say the wrong thing to set another off. 

The dirty dishes and empty beer bottles were left on the island, neither of them caring to deal with the cleanup that night, both of them crawling into bed simultaneously, both exhausted for separate reasonings. 

“So, you have tomorrow off right?” Akihiko asked, knowing Ugetsu’s schedule like the back of his hand as his own. “Other than rehearsals.” he added, shortly after. Ugetsu only hummed in reply. “That means you can clean up then, yeah?” he questioned, the slightest hint of hopefulness in his tone, though he knew it was to no avail. The brunette had become quite dependent on Akihiko’s more free schedule. 

“Am I the maid now?” Ugetsu responded, turning to face Akihiko with an amused look on his countenance. 

“Of course not,” Kaji scoffed out a small chuckle, a roll of his eyes ensuing after as he just pulled the other into his arms. 

At the end of the day, this was typically how it always ended. Whatever differences they had, no matter the dance they played, they both would crawl into bed together. Ignoring the elephant in the room, the enormous red flags, because when it boiled down they both loved each other and neither of them would leave despite both wanting and needing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just out of curiosity lol. Should I make a happy ending or a sad ending? Comment your thoughts! I’d love to give them a happy ending, but it seems impossible lmaoo. RIP.


	3. Chapter 3

When Ugetsu had awaken the next day, only the familiar scent of Akihiko remained on the other half of the bed, yet the blonde wasn’t present. He must of slept through the entire morning not even the smallest disruption when Kaji had gotten up for University. Ugetsu wasn’t a morning person in the least. He dragged himself to sit up only to reach across the bed to the small table beside it, grabbing a cigarette from it’s pack and lighting it before flopping onto his back once more to stare aimlessly at the ceiling. He probably stayed this way for a good five minutes before he felt his phone vibrate from beside his pillow. Who’d be texting him anyway? Curiosity piquing, he leaned onto his side to grab his cell to see the notification.

_ur clothes are all over the place, maybe do some of ur laundry today?_

Ugetsu rolled his eyes. Of course he would know roughly the exact time he’d actually be awake. Honestly, he hated that. Akihiko knew the brunette inside and out, even after Ugetsu so desperately tried to shut him out. Even after all these years of just being “sex friends”. He still knew better, but that hurt Murata. They were _just_ friends with benefits. So why was it that without Akihiko around, Ugetsu felt lost? Their home felt empty, like it was just a temporary placement. He refused to admit how he felt though. He didn’t like how it made him feel fragile, dependent. He didn’t want to want Akihiko, he didn’t want to need him. The only thing he needed was music. That’s what he had chosen. The blonde just got caught in the crossfire of his internal battles. A war between his fear of falling apart due to the blonde’s presence in his life and his fear of love. His fear of letting someone in. So he selfishly shoved the other out and left it at that. And Akihiko wouldn’t leave. Why wouldn’t he leave?

Truthfully, the brunette felt terrible. He hated himself for how he treated Akihiko, but he figured by now he’d grow tired of him and leave. Everyone left. No one cared enough to stick it out and deal with his self destructive habits. Maybe he saw through it. The whole ordeal just pissed him off. He should’ve been gone by now, and even though Ugetsu kept telling himself over and over again that that was exactly what he wanted. He was only foolishly trying to convince himself of that lie. Because every time Kaji did in fact leave for days on end, he found himself to be in the most helpless of states. Then, Akihiko would always return and things would resume as normal, like it never even skipped a beat. What an atrocious cycle.

Ugetsu just scoffed, mulling over the text, and then stubbing the cigarette out after a long exhale of his smoke filled lungs. 

_What are you? My mother?_

Afterwards, he tossed the phone to the side and shuffled out of bed, a grimace on his expression. His clothes really were just littering the floor. He let out a loud ‘hmph’ as he stuck his nose up at it. He didn’t need to be told what to do in his own house by someone who merely was just freeloading there. So instead he just went along with his morning routine to shower and get relatively ready for the day ahead. He had quite a few hours before he had to be at rehearsals, but he’d continue to practice here regardless. Get his mind off the wandering thoughts that had plagued his brain all morning. The singular thing his soul depended on. Needed more than anything. 

Pulling his violin neatly from it’s case, he sat down with it on the bed, plucking at the strings, lazily performing a simple song merely with staccato. Simply feeling the vibrations beneath his fingertips was enough to ease his frustrations and melt away with the short notes. Soon enough he’d stand with his bow freshly rosined and in position, his sheet music displayed on the music stand, even if he had the pieces memorized. Soon, the room resonated with the vibrato of notes, his eyes remained shut with each bow stroke. Before he knew it, the piece was already complete and he exhaled a long breath, the music just had flowed through him without any regards. He was completely lost within the sound as if he had merged with the musical instrument itself. He hardly had any recollection that he even performed the entire piece and this continued for the rest of the pieces until he had gone through each one. 

He replaced the violin in it’s case unsure if he felt revitalized or if he had down spiraled into a deeper fit of confusion and hatred. This is what Akihiko had done to him. Inhaling deeply, he plopped down onto the bed, light chocolate irises glancing around the basement-house. Clothes and the dirty dishes from the night before lingering about. He exhaled a heavy, yet defeated sigh. Whatever, it’s not like he was doing it because Akihiko asked. He just didn’t want his house to look like a pigsty. _Another lie._ After putting the laundry in the wash, he quickly cleaned up the dishes and placed them in the dishwasher, starting it before seeing it was time to leave. 

//

Returning home that Friday night, he could smell something from the kitchen. Was Akihiko already making dinner? 

“I’m home,” he called out, not hearing a response from anyone. With brows furrowed, he went down the steps to see the blonde extremely focused standing over the stove with smoke coming from a pan. He quirked a brow upwards as he crossed the room to set his belongings down. 

“What in the world are you doing, Aki?” he questioned crossing back over. 

“Cooking.” he responded quite bluntly. 

“Clearly.” Ugetsu retorted just as blunt. He walked over to the other side of the blonde, glancing around the side of him refraining from immediately bursting into tears of laughter. “You sure about that one?”

The brunette snorted, staring down at pieces of burnt meat that looked more like charcoal than food. 

“Shut it..” Akihiko grumbled, letting out a sigh. “A friend gave me a recipe and I wanted to try it.”

”It looks like shit,” Murata stifled a chuckle though his amusement was clear in his tone. Afterwards, he merely went to the cabinet and grabbed a couple things of instant ramen, then a pot and filled it with water. 

“I tried.”

”And failed.”

The two both fell into a small fit of giggles. It wasn’t often that Kaji branched out with his cooking, and if he did he rarely failed. At least Ugetsu thought. He simply just shook his head and put the pot of water onto the stove next to Akihiko’s atrocity to boil. Shortly, he felt those same strong arms that held him just the night before as they fell asleep, slip around him from behind once again. The flesh of soft lips against his neck and Ugetsu frowned. He was getting too comfortable again. They both were. The feeling of Aki’s lips against his neck wasn’t a lustful sensation, but one of love and admiration. The worse part was that he didn’t want them to leave his skin, but they had too. So Murata wiggled out from under his touch and out of his grip. 

“You’re getting too comfortable. May I remind you; we’re not together.” he warned the blonde, even with his chest tightening as he spoke. Knowing it was a dagger being shoved into an already open wound. He could see that the statement threw the other off for a minute. An uneasiness settling between one another for a moment. 

“Yeah,” Akihiko replied, a tenseness in his jaw. “You’re right, my bad.” he scoffed. 

It was clear he was annoyed and Ugetsu didn’t show any other form of emotion except for one that lacked any emotion at all. He simply turned back towards the pot that was slowly coming to a boil, probably similar to Akihiko’s patience. Ugetsu waited for it to boil over. Both the water and Aki’s patience. Hopefully once it did, he could berid of this awful feeling inside of him. 

“What are you so afraid of?” Akihiko asked suddenly, causing Ugetsu’s blood to freeze in his veins. Then his back was against the wall with the blonde lingering over him with his hand pressed against the wall beside his head. He was terrifying when he got this way, yet Ugetsu’s stomach still twisted. His eyes only narrowed though. 

“You’re not making any sense.” he replied easily, as if he wasn’t affected by the question. He refused to answer that question, but perhaps it was because he didn’t know the answer himself. While on the other hand, he also knew exactly how to answer, he just continued to lie to himself. 

“What are you not understanding about what I said?” Ugetsu pushed further, but he also didn’t wish to get the blonde mad. That outcome was never a good one. 

“You.” he spat out, which caught even Ugetsu off guard a little. He laughed it off, though.

”Clearly, you’ve just misread the situation.”

Again, Ugetsu felt his chest tighten some more. It was pain, but as always he’d shove it deep down. That’s what was for the best.

This was for the best.

Ugetsu felt so much, that in the end he’d feel nothing because those feelings would be too overwhelming and he hated that feeling. Even enjoyment. He wasn’t allowed to feel even that. So he’d repress everything. That always angered Akihiko and it was clear with how his hand tightened against the wall. Ugetsu could see the pain in his eyes, but he ignored it. Acted as if he was blind to it. 

“Clearly.”

Without another word, the blonde backed off and grabbed his coat and headed for the door. Ugetsu wanted to grab his arm and tell him not to go, but again he just ignored that desire and watched him leave, his back against the wall still and it felt like it was the only support he had. The slamming of the door made him flinch for a second, but he was gone now. The only noise left in the soundproof room was that of hissing and sizzling from the boiling water finally pouring over the pot and onto the fire underneath it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, I actually wrote quite a bit this time. Whoops. My bad. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and the ig “angsty” ending of the chapter lol. Gotta add some angst in there ya know.
> 
> Next chapter, imma do some of it from Akihiko’s perspective. Nervous(tm) cause I feel I can’t quite grasp his character.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will be mostly in Akihiko’s POV! Wish me luck lmao.

How often did this happen? How often did Akihiko leave only to return once again. Time and time again had he tried convincing himself to leave it’s unlikely Ugetsu would care.. But he knew better than that. It was so obvious that the brunette was lying to himself. So Akihiko remained inside the cycle in hopes that one day Ugetsu would just come to his senses and give up on this stupid act of his. His question had slipped out so quickly, he was so stupid to of even said anything.

_“What are you so afraid of?”_

He scoffed out a pitiful laugh. Who was he joking? Ugetsu probably didn’t even know himself. He was too busy lying to himself the truth probably was buried under layers and layers of dust. It was up to Murata if he wanted to wipe it off and bring it to light. The blonde was getting tired of waiting though. He could only take so much. And because of this he was stringing along the poor bassist. He was just as selfish and deranged as the brunette. Standing outside of their basement home, he was too heated to even notice the bite of the cold as he reached for his phone to text that very bassist if he could stay over for the night. He had nowhere else to go afterall. The response wasn’t long waited at all as he made his way through the street’s to get over to Haruki’s apartment.

Once he arrived he knocked lightly on the door and awaited to be let in, Haruki answering the door with a concerned look on his face as he stepped aside for Akihiko to let himself in.

“Did you get into another fight with your roommate?” he had asked, crossing his arms once the door was shut.

“Something like that.” Akihiko replied simply.

Haruki shook his head a bit, walking further into the living room. “That’s like the third time this month.”

“Yeah,” the blonde retorted with a slight laugh. He hardly opened up about his relationship with Ugetsu, and their on and off again relationship. “Sorry for intruding so late.”

“It’s not a problem,” Haruki reassured him, though he wasn’t content with the lack of explanation. Though he knew better, the blonde was a mystery most days. He simply just went to grab a couple of beers out from the fridge and brought one over to Akihiko.

The reason he was here never got brought up and the two just idly chattered until they both grew tired and Haruki left the room to sleep leaving the blonde alone with his thoughts for the night. It gave him time to mull things over. What he wanted, what he wished he could’ve said instead, or moreso what he shouldn’t of said. Where he truly wanted to go from here. He wanted to make Ugetsu realize what he felt, and sometimes he’d thought he did. The days where things felt like high school again. As if nothing had ever changed, like they were still together in this high of a relationship. It was confusing and he was growing tired of being strung along by Ugetsu’s mixed signals. Was it just a game to him? Did he care at all? Surely, Akihiko could bring these things up, but he was a coward, too. If he did, he could potentially lose it all. He didn’t want to lose everything, he was too comfortable with this and that’s exactly what the issue was.

//

A week had passed and Akihiko was still freeloading at Haruki’s when it had dawned on him that tonight was the night of Ugetsu’s concerto. No matter the situation, he had never missed a single recital. Though he was unsure of if he was going to go. He hadn’t gotten a single text message from the brunette, not even a reminder for his performance. He was too stubborn and prideful himself to reach out first. Akihiko was always the one to reach out again. Truly it was so tiring being with Murata. Haruki was at work and so he left without saying anything, he knew Ugetsu would be gone already, typically on the days of his performance he’d be at the concert hall all day rehearsing with the members before it was opened to the public. That being said he decided to stop by the house to shower and get ready. He couldn’t help himself but to go. The normality of their toxic relationship would be his downfall.

He merely shook his head upon walking down the steps into their home, it was a mess as usual. This was also common. Anytime he left he’d always come back to the place being in a disarray. He rolled his eyes a bit, cleaning the mess up, the man was a mess without him here. It only furthered the blonde’s repressive anger at the situation. Clearly, his absence always distraught the brunette, yet he wouldn’t dare admit it. It was clear as day as this pattern always repeated. Ugetsu couldn’t live with or without Akihiko and that internal struggle was apparent. Though Akihiko could only do so much. So he simply just finished cleaning and showered before heading to the concert hall after finding his ticket still on the counter of the kitchen.

Watching Ugetsu play as always warmed the blonde to his core. It was the only time you could see the brunette throw out all his emotions and become one with himself and the violin. It was the only time you could see Ugetsu for his true self. All of those emotions he’s constantly repressed being revealed with every bow struck. Everyone else only saw the talent this prodigy held, but Akihiko could see so much more. He could see the pain that lingered deep in that man’s heart just like the day he had first embraced the brunette with the conviction of saving him. How he so desperately wanted to save Ugetsu Murata. He was willing to throw anything away to do that and he wasn’t ready to give up just yet. He needed to make him see. He was going to make Ugetsu see.

So when the concert was over, he made his way backstage, with him being the head soloist, he of course was pampered with his own dressing room. He had reached the door to see someone coming his way from his peripheral. Looking up he only saw a man with a pretty face and a smaller case, ah. That must be Ugetsu’s pretty faced viola boyfriend he’d mentioned briefly before. The man just stopped in his tracks awkwardly standing to the side, he probably didn’t have any idea who Akihiko was.

“Sorry, you’ll have to wait, I need a moment alone with Ugetsu.” he told the man in a bit of a rash tone. His features didn’t falter as they held a stern expression. He had to get to Ugetsu and he wasn’t about to let some pretty faced toy get in the way at the moment.

“Uh, sure..” the man replied slowly, confusion crossing his face. “I’ll just wait outside then..?” he added, slowly turning away to head back up front sparing a small glance backwards towards Akihiko before ducking out of view.

Now that he was out of the picture, Akihiko knocked lightly his heart tightening in his chest. He wondered if Ugetsu would flip out on him for showing up so abruptly after disappearing for a week.

“You’re so impatient,” he heard the male call out from behind the door, he sounded a bit annoyed. Typical. Ugetsu always needed time after a concerto to recoup. Of course, if you put your heart out on your sleeve for everyone to see it would emotionally exhaust anyone. Slowly, he heard footsteps cross the room and the door opened revealing an exhausted shell of a man.

“A-Aki?!” he stuttered out seemingly shocked to see the other. And Akihiko couldn’t contain himself. He wanted to prove that the brunette was his.

He put a hand against Ugetsu’s chest lightly pushing him back inside as he shut the door behind them and he put a hand to the back of Ugetsu’s head and indulged himself in a longing locking of lips and Ugetsu didn’t fight it despite tensing from the sudden action. After a few moments of being caught off guard his arms wrapped around Akihiko’s bigger frame and reciprocating. Akihiko resisted the urge to take the brunette for himself right at the moment, his hands burned his skin through the fabric and he truly hated how only Ugetsu had a grip like this on him. Finally he pulled back from the disoriented man, letting out a sigh, he didn’t know where to start.

“I think I scared off your viola boyfriend.” he started with the sarcastic comment which he only received a playful hit to his chest.

“He’s not my boyfriend idiot.” Ugetsu retorted with a slight pout. He was angry, that was clear. His arms wrapped around himself and he looked like a lost puppy and honestly he looked kinda like shit. It killed the blonde on the inside. He knew he caused this, but on the other hand Ugetsu had done it to himself for consistently pushing him away. “What are you doing here?”

“I always come to your concerts.” he responded earning another glare.

“I mean what are you doing _here_.” he emphasized.

That was a silly question.

“Did you expect me to not come back?” Akihiko asked and he could see the shock in the brunette’s face and maybe even a hint of pain. Ugetsu remained quiet, though. “Let’s go home, Ugetsu.”

Murata just gave in, not fighting the idea, it was almost like he could see the brunette crumble in on himself as he nodded silently and grabbed his violin and exit the room. He looked as tired and Akihiko felt and maybe. Just maybe they could hit a milestone. He promised himself he’d make Ugetsu see tonight and if he didn’t, that was when he’d make his final decision to leave for good.

He’d break this never ending cycle once and for all. It was all up to Ugetsu.


	5. Chapter 5

The ride back to Ugetsu’s was quiet. Tense. Many unspoken words hanging in the air between them and it was very clear neither of the two knew what to say to start, even if they had everything to say. Sometimes having too much to say left them both speechless. Even when they got inside their basement home, the silence was deafening. Ugetsu was terrified, though he didn’t show it. Akihiko may have just kissed him twenty minutes ago, but that meant little to nothing in their relationship. It could spin a complete 180 and the blonde could be walking out that door for good in the next five minutes. That’s how their relationship was. That’s what Ugetsu told himself he wanted, yet the thought of that also left him broken and afraid. Grasping for straws that didn’t exist. He had already cut them so short there was nothing left to hold onto. They needed to let each other go. It was for the best. So Ugetsu sat his violin down and sat down on the edge of the bed without saying a word. Without showing any emotion. He just waited. Though Akihiko didn’t know what to say either as he aimlessly walked over and took a seat beside the brunette.

Silence. That’s all there was. Only the sound of each other’s breathing was heard in the sound proof room. A usual comforting sound that only seemed to be choking the both of them. Ugetsu swallowed down the lump in his throat, holding his head high as if he felt nothing about the situation.

“If you have something to say, just say it.” he started to break the endless silence. His stomach churned a bit when Akihiko only let out a small chuckle. The hell was he laughing for? Ugetsu only scowled at that response.

“Right, right.” Akihiko replied, he was looking down at the floor momentarily. He was searching for the right words. “I overstepped the other night, but I’m not sorry.”

“You’re difficult. Confusing. Infuriating.” he listed on. “A compulsive liar. Not to me, though.. To yourself. I asked what you were so afraid of. I still don’t know, but I’d like too.”

Ugetsu was just silent. He could feel Akihiko’s gaze boring into him, but he didn’t look up. He was afraid of what would happen if he did. He would feel himself break completely.

“I don’t understand you..” Akihiko sighed out. “I see how it hurts you when I’m not here so why do you do it?”

The brunette could hear the frustration in Kaji’s tone. However his body was frozen. He didn’t like being called out like this, even if it was necessary. Ugetsu was notoriously infamous for suppressing his emotions. He was afraid of feeling too much. Afraid of losing who he was in the process, but he’s never felt more empty than he does when he pretends to feel nothing. He feels more of that suffocating void the more and more he suppresses and pretends. The only thing that saved him from that void was music. Akihiko, when he came along, showed him what it was like to embrace those burning emotions and he lost a sense of himself. He became dependent. He couldn’t live without Akihiko and that’s exactly what was wrong. He couldn’t be his own person with the blonde around. The emotions he had were too strong and it scared him.

“I love music,” he started easily. That was the easy part. He could say that with conviction.

“Let me go.”

“I could never let you go, Ugetsu.”

Ugetsu simply scoffed with a shake of his head. Why was he the one that was so frustrating? He could feel his eyes stinging, but he held back any tears threatening to spill over.

“Why?”

Akihiko couldn’t answer that. Why? It echoed in his mind, a haunting question. More silence.

“Because I want to save you..” Akihiko finally mustered the strength to say it. Despite everything Ugetsu put him through, he didn’t want to let that go. Couldn’t they be happy together?

Save him? Ugetsu didn’t think he could be saved. Not by a human at least. What if he agreed to let Akihiko try. Then Akihiko left him anyway? It would completely and utterly destroy him.

“Please stop.” Murata said quietly. “You’re living in the past. I moved on. You should too.”

Akihiko let out a sigh. A nod. He could try, but unless Ugetsu let him there was no point. At this time, he should just agree. His existence in Ugetsu’s life caused him more pain than when he was gone. Eventually, Ugetsu would get over it and he can fully move on. Akihiko could try and move on too. The brunette was too convinced in his facade that he couldn’t bring himself to try.

“Okay.” That was all Akihiko had replied with.

A few moments of silence passed. If this is what he wanted, then so be it. He couldn’t do anything more for Ugetsu.

Ugetsu could feel everything shatter inside him. Was this it? Was this the final string? Why did it feel so wrong. He was so terrified of being vulnerable he had lied even to himself that this is what he wanted. He chose music. Music was the only thing that could save him without him losing himself in the process.. So why did he feel like his entire world was imploding on itself. Could he manage to balance his love for Akihiko with music? Can he physically bring himself to let Akihiko in? With the fear of being totally destroyed in the end? Nothing could hurt more than this, right?

Akihiko moved. He was getting up. In the matter of minutes he would be out that door, but this time he wouldn’t be coming back. There would be no repeat of the cycle. Akihiko would be gone for good. This is what they both needed right? His breath was caught in his chest, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t talk. He was frozen in what felt like a personal hell.

One step, two. He was walking away. Please stop. Don’t go.

The words didn’t come out though, only being yelled in the subconsciousness of his mind. He got up, his feet moved before he could catch up. He reached out and grabbed Akihiko’s arm, words didn’t come out, but anything he was holding in minutes before was now displayed on his cheeks. He was crying and he didn’t even realize it. Why?

“I’m sorry-“ he choked out. No, he wasn’t just crying, he was sobbing. He couldn’t wrap his mind around what he was doing. He just kept repeating those two words. He apologized relentlessly for everything. How he treated Akihiko especially. He couldn’t even bring himself to explain how he felt. Would the blonde even understand? Probably not. Ugetsu was too complex that even he didn’t understand himself.

It pained Akihiko to see Murata in such a state. Though he realized the brunette had done it to himself. However it didn’t stop him from wrapping the smaller male into his frame. Holding him tightly to calm him down. Shushing him and letting him regain his composure. He’s never felt Ugetsu hold him so tightly before. He was afraid if he let go that Murata would shatter. So he just led them back to the bed to sit them down. Holding the brunette as he sobbed into him. All of those deep seated emotions pouring out without the need of his violin. Once he calmed down, Ugetsu pulled away, staring down at the ground. How could he face the blonde now..

“I’m afraid because.. If you left after I let you in it would destroy me.” he said slowly and quietly.

It was just above a whisper and if it wasn’t for the silence in the room, Akihiko would’ve just barely heard him. Ugetsu tried to explain further. His fears. He was right, Akihiko didn’t quite understand, but he was supportive nonetheless. Akihiko could never understand the depth of what Ugetsu felt, but he was here to try and to help. That’s all he wanted.

“Emotions are painful,” Ugetsu said through a pathetic laugh. Finally bringing a hand up to rub at his eyes. Just that little amount of expression left him exhausted. Yet he had said it finally. Akihiko was still here.

Communication. That’s all they needed. With communication they could break this cycle for good. Without needing to walk away. The blonde merely chuckled and flicked the brunette on the forehead.

“Was that really so hard?”

“Yes.” Ugetsu scowled rubbing his forehead.

It was out in the open now. Ugetsu opened up and Akihiko remained. Reassuring the brunette amongst many things. He would try and understand so long as Ugetsu worked with him and stopped shoving him away out of fear. They were both exhausted and without any debate they agreed to sleep, but now the proximity they shared was comforting. Secure.

The cycle had been broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking of adding more to this, but instead imma end it here and maybe make a series instead ^^ thank you for all the support!! this fic is short, but means a lot to me!


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